It’s hard to leave what you thought was your dream job/life/love. There is a sort of disillusionment. Although it is a positive thing - no longer living in an illusion - it feels negative.
Nobody said waking up would be easy.
There’s an ungroundedness. The feeling of flowing with the universe, is hard on our human bodies.
I have a feeling the changes I’m going through are linked to the sickness I feel in my body. I worry about my body in this process. As I shed an age old skin my body feels weakened and susceptible to illness. And illness is at an all time high. Sometimes I wonder if the years I lived disembodied are taking a toll now that I can feel. Like a numb limb going through a period of pain as it wakes up. I can only hope this is temporary.
I have little control in this process. That’s probably the hardest part. We all have our patterns and ways that our ego convinces us of ourselves; a strong one of mine is thinking I can control things beyond my control. If I just plan enough, everything will go to plan. It never does. And that is the beauty of life. It’s amazing how beautiful life is and yet there is so much resistance to it. In the name of knowing, in the name of safety, there is much beauty to be lost.
"In the name of knowing, in the name of safety, there is much beauty to be lost."
What am I so afraid of? Failure, ridicule, ostracism, being alone in this world. And yet not stepping out into the new guarantees many of these things.
How can I truly belong if I don’t show the truth in my heart? Show the parts of myself that are even hidden to me. True vulnerability in the name of true belonging; only at the risk of being ostracized, of being judged by friends and family.
"How can I truly belong if I don't show the truth in my heart?"
Our brains make the fear so big; it’s just a survival mechanism. Without others we will die and even as our brains convince us of our independence, they know this truth. It comes out in twisted ways. We are the only ones that can decipher what is true for us, find our authentic north amongst all the layers of conditioning. And as we grow and learn, it changes. So, there is also a lesson on letting go of that we were once certain of. Times are changing, even inside.
"there is also a lesson on letting go of that we were once certain of. Times are changing, even inside."
All we can really do is set an intention, and move with the flow. Keep our eyes open wide as we feel our way around in the dark. Our hearts at the helm and our loved ones by our side.